I get a lot of emails from women who are trying to get their men back following a rough patch, separation, or the possibility of divorce. Sometimes, I hear from women who ask me “how to best get him back for good.” These women will often tell me that the two of them have drifted apart, separated, and then reconciled multiple times. While they’re relieved that the relationship hasn’t ended, they are so frustrated by what seems to be a very destructive cycle. Clearly, no one is ready to call it quits. But things aren’t really getting any better either. And, the women really can’t see any end in sight.
Most of these women intuitively know that something has to change, but they fear that nothing ever will. And they worry that this cycle is going to continue on until their husband finally gets so frustrated that he stays away for good. They want to know how to get their reconciliation “to stick” and to last for the duration once and for all. I will tell you the best ways that I know of to do this in the following article.
If You Want Different Results, You Must Try New And Different Things: Many of these couples get into this moving apart and then coming back together cycle because they are continuously repeating the same behaviors. As long as this continues to happen, you can pretty much expect the same results right on cue. They can’t seem to be apart for the long term, but they can’t seem to stay together harmoniously either. This isn’t healthy as usually both people are not at all happy with this process.
It can help to try to step back objectively and identify the patterns so that you can be conscious not to repeat them. If you can see the steps as they happen, you can begin to know when you are walking down the same old path. It’s so easy to fall into the same rut and to give in to the behaviors that you know and that have become a habit to you.
But, if you really want for this to change once and for all and to build a happier and more stable marriage, then you may have to be the one to take the initiative to change the course of how this goes. This may feel vulnerable. There may be some resentment that you’re the only one who’s trying to really change things. But, at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if you want to be 100% right or if you want to be 100% happy.
Things Not To Do When You’re Wanting To Get A Man Back For The Long Term Rather Than The Short Term: Some of the biggest mistakes that I see people make is that they try to employ strategies that rely upon fear and negative emotions that will typically only work for the short term. They act in ways that actually cause them embarrassment later. They will try to do things to get any reaction at all from their husbands because they are so afraid of even a little bit of distance. They will act very dramatically or try to elicit guilt in the husband. In short, they are willing to do whatever the need to do to get him home or invested in the relationship again.
The problem with this is that the husband is going to resent this sort of manipulation. Yes, he might come back. But his heart isn’t really in it. Deep down, you know this and this is why you cling even harder and why eventually he begins to pull away again. Without even knowing it, you’re ensuring the same short term cycle. You haven’t made any lasting changes and you both likely know it.
I know that looking at long term strategies might seem more risky. But I don’t believe that they are risky as repeating the same patterns that make you both unhappy. Eventually, someone is going to stop playing this game. So, you’re better off thinking about where you want to be a year from now rather than thinking that you want him to come back to you next week at any costs. Because ultimately, when he comes back, don’t you want for him to be as committed and as excited about it as you are? Of course you do. But so often, this is not at all how we are setting it up.
Always try to work with positive emotions rather than negative ones. Always remember that people are much more attracted and receptive to people who make them feel good about themselves and their situation. If you can make your husband see that things are more pleasant and meaningful with you than without you, you’re much more likely to have him committed for the long haul.
The Best Steps To Take To Get Him Back For Good: In my opinion, people often approach this in a sort of backwards way. They will do something really dramatic to get their spouse back or interested and then when they begin to get somewhat decent results, they will ratchet up the pressure and then suggest that the two of you “work” on your relationship. Well, how are most men going to react to this? They’re going to picture themselves having to dig in and deal with emotional things that they naturally want to resist. This doesn’t sound too appealing to them. And, in the back of their minds, they’re likely thinking something like “well, just great. Here we go again.”
This is not the attitude that you want for him to have. You want to show him that this is actually a process that he might enjoy and want to participate in. So, in the beginning, it really can’t help to keep things light rather than heavy. You want to create positive emotions and perceptions. You want to have fun. You want to show him that you value the both of you living a happy life of well being rather than falling into the same ruts. You want for him to know that you have his back and are on his side. And you want him to see the person he used to love very much.
Do this for long enough and he might begin to sense that there actually is a change in the air. It’s only when there has been a decided change and you are sure that are both equally committed do you want to dive into your problems. Reoccurring issues are going to have to be addressed so that you don’t keep tripping over them, but, in my opinion, it’s always best to wait until you’re on solid ground and until he’s completely on board and is enthusiastic.
It’s these lasting changes and these gradual, deliberate steps forward combined with focusing on the positive that are going to give you a different result and allow you to get him back for good.
When my husband left me, his mind was made up. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but save our marriage for good (and he kind of thought this was his own idea.) You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
Leslie Cane’s blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com. She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.