Kaitlin White

Daily List
  1. I will not think about buying that short red dress because it definitely won’t come in my size.
  2. I will not think about the cashier who eyes me up and tells me there’s a Lane Bryant near the food court.
  3. I will not think about the deep red marks from belts, bras, jeans, fitted tops that may as well be scars now, too.
  4. I will not think about drawing the notebooks full of sketches of myself as a size six.
  5. I will not think about those sketches’ straight up and down hips and legs and arms.
  6. I will not think about the faces of the boys who said they’d rather fuck sheep before they would even think about fucking me.
  7. I will not think about cutting my skin in my bathroom at night to let the fat out.
  8. I will not think about the tubs and tubs of Vitamin E cream I bought from Wal-Mart.
  9. I will not think about looking in the glass windows when I walk by.
  10. I will not think about checking for double chins, counting fat rolls.
  11. I will not think about my stretch marks.
  12. I will not think about the stranger at the beach who told me I should be proud of my tiger stripes.
  13. I will not think how I’m supposed to call them stripes or lightning bolts; about how I earned them, because aren’t children worth it?
  14. I will not think about quietly mentioning that I have never been pregnant. I will think about how fucking orgasmic it was to watch his face crumple like a cheeseburger wrapper.
  15. I will not think about gym class; about how it didn’t matter how much I ran the miles like a slug following a slime trail; about how I never got any faster or skinnier.
  16. I will not think about how found out at the end of the year that I had a hole in the back of my gym shorts and no one told me.
  17. I will not think about when I understood I was fat; when I walked into my seventh grade classroom and saw three girls with the necks of their blue uniform polos open to show ends of their collarbones jutting out like coral reefs.
  18. I will not think about how I looked frantically for my own edges when I got undressed and never found any. I will not think about how now, when I can find those edges, I want more.
  19. I will not think about how my grandma offered to buy me all new clothes if I lost some weight over the summer.
  20. I will not think about my sophomore year physical when the doctor showed me my height and weight and compared them to the BMI chart on the wall.
  21. I will not think about how he told me I had to lose weight but he didn’t know if I should join the soccer team because he thought there was no way I could keep up.
  22. I will not think about not being able to keep up.
  23. I will not think about going to the doctor now and memorizing the chipped paint in front of my eyes when I step on the scale.
  24. I will not think about cutting myself in my bathroom late at night.
  25. I will not think about “accidentally” burning myself when I was cooking.
  26. I will not think about standing next to the county fair’s tilt-a-whirl for five hours waiting for Adam Stockon to take me on my first date like he promised.
  27. I will not think about how he never showed up.
  28. I will not think about the twenty that Gavin Sims slipped into Adam’s desk the next day.
  29. I will not think about She fell for that? and She waited for how long?
  30. I will not think about when I hear someone laugh in public, I assume they’re laughing at me.
  31. I will not think about these things. I will not.

 

 

 

 


Kaitlin White is a senior Professional Writing major at UW-Platteville. She wants to finish up her degree so she can go on to graduate school to pursue her doctorate in English. When she’s not writing, Kaitlin is often reading, playing video games, or looking at pictures of cats on the internet.
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